How to Be a Perpetual Failure at Nearly Everything in Life

Well, almost everything...

For those in the US that are still on a long weekend, here is a quick one from the archives of Medium. Comments are open to everyone this week. Feel free to go off-topic and mention something you would like to get a deep dive into on Seed Scapes. Don’t be shy: anything is fair game. Next week we will get back to something a little more serious.

Success? Who wants that kind of shit?

If you’re asking me — and you know you are — success feels like nothing more than a pain in the ass.

An unnecessary burden for the focused and the fastidious…a.k.a. The REAL Losers.

Why would I waste my time striving for success — skiing uphill — when I can coast downhill apres-ski-style at my own leisurely pace, en route to failure?

And that’s why I’m writing this for you. This article is the motherfucking WAZE for people who want to take the easy road like me…the people who are comfortable enough in their own skin to be cool with being a “failure” whatever that label really means.

If you use my WAZE app, I promise you’ll steer clear of success.

Point 1 — Stay in your comfort zone

Why would you EVER want to do something that challenges you or — even worse — scares you?

Get the hell out of here with that nonsense — I’m not interested in exercising my way into a heart attack, or introducing myself to new people (I’ve got my circle of friends, thanks).

Do I want to try a new career? — LOL, are you kidding me? I’d rather eat paint chips.

Here’s what you need to do if you want to be a failure like me.

You’ve got to skip all the new stuff and all the hard stuff — you’ve got to stay in your wheelhouse. And don’t you dare think about trying any of that adrenaline-junkie bullshit like skydiving, or rock climbing, or bungee jumping, unless you want to put yourself in an early grave.

This is ESPECIALLY true if you’re older, which is anyone north of 40. At that age, you’ve basically got one foot in the grave already, so you better just play it cool and hang out on the couch…who are you trying to impress, anyway? Failure is the mission, remember? Whoever died watching TV? No one, that’s who, and that’s good enough for me.

If you try to be a hero — if you try to leave your comfort zone — bad things are going to happen I guaran-god-damn-tee it.

Point 2 — Learn to love your current peer group

If you’re trying to stay inside the boundaries of your comfort zone, you sure as shit better hold onto the cards in your deck — there’s no room for new friends and colleagues in the failure game!

And if you hear any of the people in your current peer group start talking about “goal setting” or “personal growth,” make sure you kick those assholes to the curb ASAP. So WHAT if you’ve known Johnny and Suzzie for 35 years?! They’ve become a motivational tumor, and if you don’t cut them out they’ll become malignant and spread.

Yes, I know it will hurt, but — trust me — jettisoning them is the only way to keep yourself on the right track. If you’re having trouble figuring out which of your peers are worth keeping, look for the ones who constantly bitch about the success of others; they’re the ones you should be spending your time with. If you start to get out of line by making too much money, losing too much weight, or learning something too out-of-the-box, these people will punch you in the face to get you turned around.

Point 3 — Keep dreaming

What the heck is it with this reality let down? — there’s a reason people say “ignorance is bliss”.

When you fantasize about something, it seems like you can always keep it interesting — even if it’s the same damn thing over and over again.

Ever have a dream come true only to be let down? — of course you have…everyone has! Which is why you must strive to keep reality at bay at all times.

Those people that discover their passion in life are freaks. Trying things, helping others, learning something new…that’s all work you don’t need, and it can all be avoided if you play things nice and safe inside your head.

Point 4 — Invest in the past

You’re going to die anyway, so why worry about it? — the future is for the birds! — so don’t waste your time investing in it.

Instead, dwell on the glory of the past.

Relieve your best moments and your worst moments in equal splendor.

Tomorrow isn’t a question of when, it’s a question of if…you have no goddamn idea if you’re going to wake up in the morning or not, so spend your time smiling about days gone by…And spend your dollars while you’re at it.

In fact, spend two for every one you earn.

Debt is a point of pride in this country and there’s no debtors’ prison you can be thrown into, so pay off credit cards with credit cards and keep living your best, most comfortable, and most conventional life.

When you burn the present like a candle thrown into the fireplace (forget the two ends analogy) you stop worrying about the future you’re not leaving for the planet, your children, or anyone else who doesn’t matter.

Point 5 — Love the chaos

When things start running too smoothly in your life, don’t just poke the bear — pull out a tire iron and crack that fluffy son-of-a-bitch in the jaw. After all, why should the bear be sleeping when I’m not?!?

Put your car keys in a different spot every time you walk in the house — that way you can waste time looking for them every time you need to go somewhere, and guarantee you show up late somewhere you didn’t even want to go to in the first place, like work.

Success works best on a smoothly paved road, not a street littered with potholes and debris. A life built on well-established routines will lead to efficiency and productivity — two things that will rob you of your capacity for failure (#NoBueno). Live a life of disorder and randomness — waste your time, your energy, and all your other resources at all costs.

Point 6 — Don’t believe the “health is everything” lie

Health is wealth? Say that to the last Ben Franklin sitting in my wallet — I’m pretty sure that little green founding father is worth exactly 100 $1s more than 120/80 blood pressure or a clean bill of health from the doctor.

Besides, your health is predetermined. It’s all in your genes. You either have the winning lotto ticket in that department or you don’t — and I’m hoping you don’t since you’re trying to fail, right?

So, smoke that stogie. Polish off that Johnny Walker. Get the loaded baked potato and the porterhouse steak. Sit in the sun for hours at a time with no sunscreen and not a care in the world.

The die was cast long before you were born, so stop fighting the inevitable. That donut is going to taste a helluva lot better than whatever crap they’ll feed you in a retirement home if you live to a ripe old age — and this way you won’t have to spend time with any of your snot-nosed grandkids or great-grandkids!

Point 7 — Be intimidated by anyone who is better than you

Intimidated? You better be. If you’re not, you’re fucked.

If you spend time with people who are better than you, there’s a chance you might learn something in the process so — for God’s Sake — run for the hills if you see those “better people” forming out on the horizon.

Even worse, if you learn something, you’re going to give your loyal, failure-ridden peers a good reason to punch you square in the nose (see point #2).

By the same token, NEVER EVER spend time with anyone that you’re better than.

If you do, you’ll run the risk of teaching them something…and if you teach them something, they might get better at something…and that’s not what we want.

Unless, of course, it’s failure — we always want people to get better at that. So, I guess it is okay to teach people some things, so long as those things will help them remain unsuccessful.

Point 8 — See perfection in others

You know who I’m talking about.

That bitch who runs her own successful business even though she’s 41 with three small kids at home?

Or that bastard who manages to get to the gym every day before work?

Don’t these perfect pricks know that to err is human?!?! Where do these aliens come from?

The good news is, by seeing the perfection in these people, you’ll know what NOT to do to stay on your course to failure.

Point 9 — Get angry

Anger is steroids for failure — it’s the most wonderful supplement you can take.

Not only does it keep you off balance, it upsets everyone around you, which is GREAT for encouraging chaos (see Point #5).

Deepak Chopra, that bullshit foo foo guru, says anger is a reflection of what you don’t like about yourself which means if you get angry enough your blind rage will extinguish your ability to see — and therefore fix — any of those things you don’t like which means you’ll have a way easier time staying in the failure-zone.

But here’s the best part…Anger will keep people away, and if there’s ONE thing you CAN’T do all on your own, it'd be successful.

Point 10 — Go out in a big way

I remember being at one of those useless business peer group meetings years ago and there was a doctor who opened up his presentation on health and wellness with a simple question, “How many people sitting here want to live past 100?” I was glad to see his statistic proven once again that 8 out of 10 people want to fail at that goal — who wants to become a useless piece of meat clinging to life? Who wants to not be able to remember what they had for breakfast?…sure as shit not me.

And that’s the beauty of death — it’s like the 6,000 square foot mansion on the corner of Fuck My Life Street and Bad Luck Boulevard. It’s the one place you’ve ALWAYS wanted to go…the ULTIMATE failure in life is the loss of it…can’t get better than that, can it?

Which means you’ve finally won!

There is NO chance of making the wrong choice and finding success anymore. If you managed your chaos really well, you should be dying alone, destitute, and comically riddled with debt.

Before I go, I want to say one more thing…

The above 10 points are by no means an exhaustive list. Failure is an art — not a science. So, if you have other tips to share that will help my readers skip down the slope of failure, please share those insights by commenting below.